The gift

So my fiancé decided it was time for him to ask me a survey of questions last night, which was fun. In the survey this came up. (Look At the picture)
It's true I wouldn't want a nice purse heels or make up or other expensive stuff I would want him to leave me his child so I would always have a piece of him with me.
We are the corniest couple and don't get me wrong we disagree a lot but we will always make it through anything.

Xoxo
Barbie

The Story of Strength

This picture impacted me So much because for the longest time I was ashamed that it happened to me, almost 2 years ago. My "friends" questioned me whether it was true, they had the nerve, to do so. The "justice" system told me I was old enough to know what was coming, I was judged by everyone. And still am, they let my rapist go, they said it wasn't enough evidence. Because my guess is,the bruises weren't enough along with the hospital records. And also the fact that he was a 2 time sex offender wasnt enough, the first girl dropped charges.Along with the fact that he failed a lie detector.The physical damage was nothing compared to the emotional & mental damage. He ruined my life, for the longest time I was angry, at myself , at God at "friends". I let myself go, I laid in bed all day for days and weeks, months, I wished to die a few times, never tried to though I knew deep down I wasn't ready to go, God didn't let my die then for a reason, I have a reason to be here and I wasn't gonna give up on myself I dealt with PTSD for a while, had to go to therapy and finally stopped being angry I listened to my wise father when he told me to LET GO AND LET GOD. Didn't make sense then but when It did it clicked in me not to give up. The fact that the rapist is still walking around telling people he's innocent still hurts but he knows what he did and someday God will take care of that. His friends tease me and taunt me every time they see me and so do his family members, it's the worst feeling seeing the person who damaged me so much walking around as if he was innocent. I act as if it doesn't phase me because I'm better than that. I thought I didn't deserve to be happy. But I prayed and prayed asked God to forgive me , told him to give me strength. And weird thing was as long as it took I was patient. I didn't give up, with the help of my family and the friends I can count on two hands, they helped me so much! The ones who claimed to be there turned around and talked about me, continued to judge me and Still hung out with him and still do. Those people are cut out of my life. For good.
I don't write this to get pitty from anyone. I don't need it.
I'm writing this because I've been so ashamed of it, but How could I be ashamed of something I didn't cause?? I don't want someone I know who is going through a similar situation to feel alone.
Anyways, after I prayed and was at peace with myself the craziest thing happened, a friend, who had been there for me every step of the way that I was too blind to realize was there, made me strong and taught me to love myself.
Here I am 2 months away from marrying that friend who saved me, the guy my family had no trouble accepting because they saw his honesty, love, and care. I haven't came out with this at all, but if you're reading this I hope you understand that it wasn't easy to get through. But I know even though it was something so ugly, God never left my side.
I will forever be thankful to God for giving me his love and all these people who also love me.



Xoxo
Never lose faith! No matter how ugly a situation can get!

My Eddie

It's really hard getting over a hard loss, I miss my cousin every single day more and more. I didn't think it would really take me this long to write about this, but I can't explain all the pain I feel in my heart, I remember when we were younger and we would talk about random things, he said "the day you go steady with someone I'm gonna become his best friend, just because I wanna be the best man and I deserve to and you better do the same with my gf's" lol and since I was normally in long relationships he'd try to be really close to guys lol. He was crazy and said and did the funniest things. He loved pranking me because I'm so gullible, I really wish he could be there to see me in my white dress. (in tears) It's really hard to accept the fact that it's almost gonna be a year that we lost him. I lost my best friend & brother. "cousins" wasn't even the correct word to call each other. We shared so many beautiful memories and I can't and won't ever forget how much you mean to me. I miss you SOOOO much!!! After all the pain I've ever felt this has been the deepest, the fact that we don't even know what caused it is worse! I love you Eddie. Rest in paradise my marshy!!

This love

I just cannot explain how much love I have for you ❤ there are so many things I wouldn't see myself doing a year ago.
A year ago I gave up on life, I gave up on myself, and just when I thought it couldn't get worse, it did. But then you came along and you made my life so much better, it's like God knew all the pain I was going through and knew I deserved better, sometimes I can't believe how far he's gotten me with you by my side 😭 it's like I'm dreaming. I used to think I didn't deserve you, because I spent most of my life pleasing everyone else but myself and didn't care if I was happy, I just wanted everyone else to be happy.
You came along in November and now you're gonna be my forever. I will
Never forget the day you I told you everything I was going through how scared I was that you wouldn't stick by my side, I was afraid I'd lose my EVERYTHING. But no, I was wrong again, you told me you would be by me through everything! And that's when I knew you were everything I was asking and praying for but wasn't expecting so soon. My love for you grows everyday and I know I made the best decision ever you are my rock, my heart and my soulmate! I will never trade the world for you because you are my world. I know God put you on my path for a reason and to give me another chance at restoring my shattered life. You are the piece of the puzzle that was missing. I just wanna remind you of how amazing you are and remind you of all the great things we will do together for our future
I LOVE YOU JESUS ESPINOZA❤❤
Thank you Lord for all of your wonderful blessings I cannot say you have ever failed me, you've taught me some wonderful lessons and I will never forget to wake up and thank you

XoXo
Barbie

Getting married

It didn't settle in right at first, until all this planning came along Shit just got REAL lol. I'm so happy I am marrying my soulmate,my best friend, the person who makes me laugh the hardest and cry the most but only from the sweet things he says to me. I love him greatly he is my world and I can't and Won't take back the decision we've made, although wedding planning is driving us nuts we pretty much have everything out of the way! It's great, we cannot wait to spend our most important day of our lives with our families and #true friends the people who love us dearly.

But I would just like to say, thank you all who have been there for me you are a HUGE part of why I'm still here today and why I have gotten so far!
God Bless You All<3
XoXo
Barbie

buh bye 2011

So it's that time of year where i open up about 2011 and what it brought to me
in the beginning it was pretty rocky, and the middle really challenged my mind and my heart, i honestly wasn't sure if i was gonna make it to Christmas, as tough as things got i never let go of my faith, something my dad taught me to keep.
I was really confused at the beginning of the year, didn't know what i wanted,
when May came around, it totally threw me off, when tragedy struck, i didn't wanna get out of bed after memorial day, what a day to remember, but it's also something i'm working on forgetting, I will never look back without thinking that something so horrible would've changed my out look on life.
The best things happened towards the end, when Jesus came along, no not Jesus Christ because he was always there, but Jesus Espinoza!
He gave me hope when i had lost it all, Just when i thought it was always gonna be the same with someone else, He has proved to me that not all people are the same,
I must say although things are still rough he's made everything better and easier
I LOVE YOU BABE
along with him I made new friends , and they're amazing!!!
I know God is always with me protecting me and the people I love, thank you all who have been there I love you all!
XoXo Barbie <3

Ashanti - Foolish

LOVE THIS SONG!