How my Husband Saved my Life

There's many things you don't see in somebody. You can always look at a person and see that they are always happy but you never really see how they feel deep down inside. I was told by everyone that I was always a happy girl, never a dull moment In my smile. But nobody ever saw the "real" me behind closed doors. I had trust issues. MAD trust issues. I went through something horrible at a late time in my age that I NEVER thought I can go through. And never wish upon anyone,Like I've written in my past posts ( http://barbiedollthinks.blogspot.com STORY OF STRENGTH) I am a Sexual Abuse Survivor. Like I said, it happened at a late age in my life but the damage feels just as bad as if I were a younger girl, at the time I was a careless person. Partied, not too hard, drank and had fun because I thought that's what I was supposed to be doing at that age (22 at the time). The guy who caused this, knew everyone I knew and everyone knew his past. Everyone Somehow forgot to tell me. Reason #1 why I don't have many friends, most of them knew, nobody told me. Anyways it was a Memorial Day that changed my life forever. After a long day at the hospital, rape kit, stitches etc. I never believed anyone when they would tell me "life will get better when you least expect it, don't worry" or "you're a strong girl don't worry" I've never been the type to 'need a man' or want one around. Specially after all of this, I was a mess, my life started crumbling right in front of me I felt like I was already dead inside, I just needed to be buried. I was diagnosed with PTSD(Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome) and Depression. I was prescribed depression pills and I never picked up my meds, I knew that if I was gonna get through this I needed help but I didn't need meds to define my health, let me tell you it wasn't easy. I dealt with suicide thoughts. I felt like a burden to my family because everyone babied me and I HATED it. I started therapy about 2 months after the incident when I finally decided to crawl out of bed. On my way to therapy I stop for gas and run into his mom (at this time we had started trial) and she told me off along with his brother, calling me what most liars do a "liar" when they heard EVERYTHING(as in the incident happen) but didn't come to my rescue. Anyways, it was a few months into trial and I didn't go out, I stayed home and decided it was a good time to reconnect with some friends, but I didn't feel it was a good time to tell them why I was away from everyone for so long. I had a friend, at the time, named JESUS, no not Jesus Christ, but he had the same Impact on my life. That guy was there for me through the rest of my trial he saw the ups and downs and the best and worst of me. He would always text me to see how I was doing, he had no idea what I was going through but he always seemed to know when something was wrong with me just through a text. A text, when someone can read your attitude through a text, that's insane. He always seemed to know when to make me feel better when to give encouraging words and when to say something sweet which made me horribly uncomfortable at the time. When I finally told my family about this guy they jumped at the chance of inviting him over to hang out and It took me a while but I finally did, he still had no idea what I was going through at the time, it was weird because I had talked to my therapist about him, and she loved every second of that conversation. The second time he comes over we have a random conversation and a "friend" who always had a crush on me insisted that I Tell Jesus about my "rape" case. How embarrassing and disrespectful. I was truly hurt. Jesus Said he knew something had been going on with me because I'd have days when I didn't talk to him the same, so since big mouth McGee brought it up, I FINALLY DID. And IT WASN'T EASY. It ended up being one of those things that you're glad you do, because after that my problems seemed to be history. Jesus is now my husband, he had a way of making me forget that I was a victim, he always reminded me that I can get through the days where I can get out bed even If it was 2 o'clock and still kick my days ass! He knew how to make me laugh, smile and fall in love, fall in love with myself, fall in love with him(in that order) My husband saved my life, my husband is my hero! My husband is the best friend anybody can have. His best friend is lucky! (Pancho) My husband has a way of walking into any room and making it sparkle, everywhere we go everyone falls in love with him. I wish we could've met sooner, but I feel like everything happened for a reason. God put him in my path to show me that not the entire world is a horrible place full of horrible people. My husband is LOVE. I will never be able to repay the things he's done for me the nights he's held me when I wake up from flashback nightmares. The nights he holds me when I just want to cry, even if he has work at 3 am. My husband has a heart of gold. To all those people who judged us for getting married so "young" and so "soon" and thought I was pregnant , NEVER judge a book by its cover. I never felt so sure in my life about somebody. I never felt so sure about my life until I met him. That friend that saved my life, I'm glad I married him! I love you my chonchis! I thank you for teaching me to love myself before I learned to love you, it's a process everyday but I love this journey by your side. I never want to be known as a victim I want to be known as a survivor, because only the strong survive! Faith hope love XoXo Barbie Espinoza