I'm a warrior

In my best Demi voice 🎶

I'm a warriooooooOooor now I've got thicker skin

I'm so glad I got "ME" back 

Living healthier and happier

Okay so let me tell you all that weight loss is something I've been battling for quite some time. I have always wanted to be thinner and always tried, but I couldn't keep going with it. I guess I didn't want it as bad as I thought. My life had been a huge mess in 2011 I was going through a sexual assault trial I developed PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and depression I let myself sit around until I started eating my feelings and stress eating. I started therapy for depression and anxiety and it helped a lot. Still ate a lot as well I let myself go. I was prescribed depression and anxiety meds (happy pills) which I did not see myself ever taking and I NEVER picked up from the pharmacy. I knew if I had to battle a mental situation I can turn it into a positive. So I did. I started walking at a local park and cleared my mind. Prayer helped me a lot and I also never lost my faith in God. Maybe a day or so after the assault but not during my recovery. I also had suicidal thoughts. But my family made me stronger. I promise you I have never felt as good as I feel today. 

I started my fitness journey. 

I never wanted this as bad as now, specially since I gained 40 pounds since my wedding, eeeek!!! 

I CAN do it and I WILL do it!!! 

I don't need happy pills all I need is God, my husband and my family's support. My faith and my patience. 

I am not perfect at times I will fail, but I will NOT give up!!! 

The police believed me because my attacker was a 2nd time offender 

Suicide awareness! Please look for help 

Or ask for help! 

If you want or need to talk to someone email me 

garciatbarbara@aol.com

Furry baby

 So I know I haven't had the guts to write about this lately, I've been so weak when it comes to this subject. Some of you might think I'm crazy or that she was "just a dog" but she was more than that. 

My beautiful furry princess, she passed away. In a blink of an eye, and my heart is so torn. 

I miss her so much, and some things are just irreplaceable. She was always my go to person when I was sad. She would just cuddle me and give me doggie kisses until my sadness went away. When I had a broken heart  she knew that I needed her, when I was going through my trial she was my best friend who would console me. She helped me realize my husband was the one. And when I broke my elbow she knew something was wrong before I did. I swear I've felt so much pain before but this almost hurts more than anything else. Except my cousin Eddie's loss because, for one he gave her to me.  Well t least she is no longer in pain and my heart smiles because she left footprints on my heart. She will always be my world! Ilove you my  Rollie, forever and ever! 

XOXO

BARBIE ESPINOZA 

Wedding Files

My brother in law saved his videos and stuff on our laptop, so i found some good ones from our wedding

I cried because it brought me back 6 months ago, we had such an amazing time!!!!

I can't decribe it!

This was our wedding entrance i looooooveee this song!!

This was our Wedding/Surprise dance 

everyone loved it. and i was so embarrased!

but we had a blast doing so!

We are Godparents!

So we are officially Godparents to my nephew, Joshua J. Ulloa! Words cannot describe how happy we are!
We love the little guy ever since he was in the womb. But most importantly we are glad we will be here forever to guide him down the right path of life, as we do to our other nieces and nephews. They mean the world to us. But the baptism was beautiful and all the goodies we gave the kids were even better!
Among the flashing glasses, unending candy, bolo(mexican tradition to throw coins and the kids collect it) and cake it was amazing to see our friends and family accompany us. Here are some photographs for you all to enjoy!

This was when we were dressing him before mass. 

Tradition is for the Godparents to get him ready.

This was his beautiful and delicious cake.

My Sister and Brother in law and Josh 

well anyways that's what we did over the weekend and it was amazing 

xoxo

Barbie Espinoza

"I Remember" from your husband to you.

Well I'm fairly new to this so bare with me. Well this is Jesus, the awesome husband that Barbie writes about :) lol. It feels like it was tester that I met you for the very first time. Remember when you wanted to shake my hand but instead I gave you a double armed hug? Well let me tell you that from that day I felt something that I had never felt in my life, like my body, mind, and soul knew that you were different. I still remember what you wore that day :) your blue pants and your black blouse (I think I spelt that wrong?). Remember that you invited me to your house for a little kick back and we were suppose to be talking but the whole time Johan stole me from you? Lol that was pretty funny because you got mad at him lol. So at the end of that night I remember that we hugged for a while and neither of us wanted to let go, it was like we knew something was going on. You invited me to Diana's bday party and I remember that you told me that you were scared that I wasn't going to show up, you thought you did something wrong. So the next day came and I did happen to show up and you thought I wasn't going to say "hi" to everyone but you thought wrong, you were surprised that I did and that I was socializing with everyone else. God I remember how beautiful you looked that day, I would text you "you look beautiful :)" and you would just blush lol. So we talked and talked even for hours all night. 12/10/11 was one of my happiest days ever, I asked you to be my girlfriend and you said "yes" I was one happy mexican lol. Everyday I just kept falling in love with you more and more deeply and I still do baby and I still get butterflies :). So as each day passed I had never felt the way you made me feel and so I remember that I went late at night one night to get your engagement ring and I was super nervous because it was only 2 months of us dating but I had a feeling that it was real. 2/14/12 Valentines Day, the day that I was the most nervous that you would tell me if I was okay and I felt like you thought that it was you. I remember that we went to go out to eat and I didn't eat all my food and you were shocked that I didn't lol. We went to go watch This Means War, and before the movie started was when I popped the question, "will you marry me?" Never in my life did I think that I would find the love of my life, and when I asked you I said "close your eyes and don't peek" and when I asked I said open you eyes and you stayed quiet, I was scared and really nervous because you didn't say anything them you were like "I'm sorry! My eyes are adjusting!" And when they finally adjusted you said "yes!" From then on our journey began, we had our roller coaster ride from being super happy to being sad, but together we can conquer all. Then 2/16/13 came, the date that means more to me than any holiday and my birthday, our wedding day. How I wish we could relive that day again because your face was bright as the stars at night. And I knew that we both made the greatest decision of our lives. I love you Barbara Espinoza and nothing and no one will ever change the way I love you❤

Well there you have it, my first blog post, I didn't think it was going to be this long lol. Thank you baby for letting me post one :) 

How my Husband Saved my Life

There's many things you don't see in somebody. You can always look at a person and see that they are always happy but you never really see how they feel deep down inside. I was told by everyone that I was always a happy girl, never a dull moment In my smile. But nobody ever saw the "real" me behind closed doors. I had trust issues. MAD trust issues. I went through something horrible at a late time in my age that I NEVER thought I can go through. And never wish upon anyone,Like I've written in my past posts ( http://barbiedollthinks.blogspot.com STORY OF STRENGTH) I am a Sexual Abuse Survivor. Like I said, it happened at a late age in my life but the damage feels just as bad as if I were a younger girl, at the time I was a careless person. Partied, not too hard, drank and had fun because I thought that's what I was supposed to be doing at that age (22 at the time). The guy who caused this, knew everyone I knew and everyone knew his past. Everyone Somehow forgot to tell me. Reason #1 why I don't have many friends, most of them knew, nobody told me. Anyways it was a Memorial Day that changed my life forever. After a long day at the hospital, rape kit, stitches etc. I never believed anyone when they would tell me "life will get better when you least expect it, don't worry" or "you're a strong girl don't worry" I've never been the type to 'need a man' or want one around. Specially after all of this, I was a mess, my life started crumbling right in front of me I felt like I was already dead inside, I just needed to be buried. I was diagnosed with PTSD(Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome) and Depression. I was prescribed depression pills and I never picked up my meds, I knew that if I was gonna get through this I needed help but I didn't need meds to define my health, let me tell you it wasn't easy. I dealt with suicide thoughts. I felt like a burden to my family because everyone babied me and I HATED it. I started therapy about 2 months after the incident when I finally decided to crawl out of bed. On my way to therapy I stop for gas and run into his mom (at this time we had started trial) and she told me off along with his brother, calling me what most liars do a "liar" when they heard EVERYTHING(as in the incident happen) but didn't come to my rescue. Anyways, it was a few months into trial and I didn't go out, I stayed home and decided it was a good time to reconnect with some friends, but I didn't feel it was a good time to tell them why I was away from everyone for so long. I had a friend, at the time, named JESUS, no not Jesus Christ, but he had the same Impact on my life. That guy was there for me through the rest of my trial he saw the ups and downs and the best and worst of me. He would always text me to see how I was doing, he had no idea what I was going through but he always seemed to know when something was wrong with me just through a text. A text, when someone can read your attitude through a text, that's insane. He always seemed to know when to make me feel better when to give encouraging words and when to say something sweet which made me horribly uncomfortable at the time. When I finally told my family about this guy they jumped at the chance of inviting him over to hang out and It took me a while but I finally did, he still had no idea what I was going through at the time, it was weird because I had talked to my therapist about him, and she loved every second of that conversation. The second time he comes over we have a random conversation and a "friend" who always had a crush on me insisted that I Tell Jesus about my "rape" case. How embarrassing and disrespectful. I was truly hurt. Jesus Said he knew something had been going on with me because I'd have days when I didn't talk to him the same, so since big mouth McGee brought it up, I FINALLY DID. And IT WASN'T EASY. It ended up being one of those things that you're glad you do, because after that my problems seemed to be history. Jesus is now my husband, he had a way of making me forget that I was a victim, he always reminded me that I can get through the days where I can get out bed even If it was 2 o'clock and still kick my days ass! He knew how to make me laugh, smile and fall in love, fall in love with myself, fall in love with him(in that order) My husband saved my life, my husband is my hero! My husband is the best friend anybody can have. His best friend is lucky! (Pancho) My husband has a way of walking into any room and making it sparkle, everywhere we go everyone falls in love with him. I wish we could've met sooner, but I feel like everything happened for a reason. God put him in my path to show me that not the entire world is a horrible place full of horrible people. My husband is LOVE. I will never be able to repay the things he's done for me the nights he's held me when I wake up from flashback nightmares. The nights he holds me when I just want to cry, even if he has work at 3 am. My husband has a heart of gold. To all those people who judged us for getting married so "young" and so "soon" and thought I was pregnant , NEVER judge a book by its cover. I never felt so sure in my life about somebody. I never felt so sure about my life until I met him. That friend that saved my life, I'm glad I married him! I love you my chonchis! I thank you for teaching me to love myself before I learned to love you, it's a process everyday but I love this journey by your side. I never want to be known as a victim I want to be known as a survivor, because only the strong survive! Faith hope love XoXo Barbie Espinoza